Not Such a Kid any More

Dear Cordelia,

When I married my wife 8 years ago I also adopted my stepdaughter. I know she isn't mine by blood, but she is still my child and I love her. As a nickname, I call her kid. On her 13th birthday, she asked me, what are you going to call me now? It made me feel a little sad; like she was embarrassed by it. I still call her kid, but maybe she feels like she’s outgrown it, what should I do?

~The Self-Conscious Step-Daddy

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Dear Self-Conscious Step-Daddy,

Before I jump into your answer in a full-blown manner I just want to point out that I love that you care for her so much that she is YOUR kid. What some people tend to forget is that Step-Parents are extra special because they got to choose whether or not they wanted you in their life and they chose to keep you :).

When it comes to talking to her about the nickname, I recommend you just sit down with her and tell her the truth. Explain to her that you don't call her Kid because you think she is A kid, you call her Kid because she is YOUR kid. Once she realizes that is a term of endearment and that you call her that because you love her, not that you are labeling her a child she should definitely have a new perspective on it.

You never outgrow a nickname that your parents give you because it’s something special between the two of you. (No matter how embarrassing it might be as a teenager). Maybe just tell her you won’t call her by that nickname in front of her friends but it’s a special nickname between you two you don’t want to lose. For instance, my mother still calls me Monkey, even in front of my boyfriend that I have been dating for 5 years. My grandparents call me “Koukla” which means dollface in Greek. It's something special you have as a connection with the people who you hold dear to your heart in life.

I hope this helps and please let us know how it goes!

~Cordelia Cross.

Pumped and Ready to Motivate

Hi Cordelia,

I just recently started a new job as a manager at an electronics store. The leader who was in this role before me didn't really spend a lot of time working on employee morale or development. As a new leader, I would like to change that. The corporate team for the company thinks it would be better to just get rid of older employees and start building a new team, but I know with the right guidance the team we have can be great!

What are some ways I can help motivate my employees and make them feel valued?

 Sincerely,

The New Leader in a Not So New Store

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Dear New Leader in a Not So New Store,

Anyone who says that you can’t help motivate employees simply has never had a really good leadership team backing them. There are many things you can do to help motivate employees and while some may seem like small gestures they go miles with your employees:

Help cater goals for your employees that help them develop personally as well as professionally. This is especially important if you work in a place where employees typically work there for only a few years at a time. When you help them with their development goals, make sure you are also taking the time to work on a skill that will help them even after they stop working for you. For instance, if they have a hard time organizing their thoughts, invite them in on a project that involves brainstorming. Have them see how their peers brainstorm and problem solve so they can collaborate and learn from each other. Or maybe one thing they struggle with is communicating professionally. Have them start sending you recap emails at the end of shifts, it will help keep everyone up to date on the business, but teach them to better structure their communications.

1. Take the time to write a 30, 60, 90-day plan with your employees. What is one big attainable change they would like to make in their career? What are a few steps that they can implement over the next three months to make them happen? How can you help guide them through this process? Plan weekly check-ins to follow up on their goal and help them if they are struggling.
2. Have a “round table meeting”. This is a meeting that you would have with your employees to discuss the working environment. What are some things they feel are going really well? What are some areas of opportunity? Leave the meeting with a plan for how you can all improve the situation together.
3. Find ways to plan little employee appreciation events on holidays. For instance, on the Fourth of July, we grill out for our employees that have to work. The last Sunday before Halloween every year we plan a “ghoul night of spooktacular fun” where we have a potluck and vote for the best entree, dessert, and appetizer. The winners get a prize (usually a little goody basket that we make with dollar store goods and decor).
4. Outside of holidays, we like to have events to celebrate great milestones in our business. For example, one-month credit card applications were a huge opportunity for our store. We had been struggling for a while and we wanted to come up with a creative way to motivate employees to promote the card. So, the three employees who got the most people to apply got to pick a manager of their choosing to pie in the face. (I got pied). It was a great way to let loose, get out frustration and have fun with our team.

All in all, it doesn’t take a lot to motivate your employees, there are so many other ways to do so. You just have to put a little effort into showing them that you value them and their work. The more that you invest in them, the more they will invest in your company.

Thank you for being one of the great leaders willing to go the extra mile to help them out and rebuild the team instead of just scrapping them and starting over!

I hope this helps!

~Cordelia Cross

On My Own

Cordelia,

I just recently turned 18 and my parents kicked me out and moved to another state. They didn't even give me the option to move with them and pay them rent. Now they are upset that I refuse to talk to them. They keep calling my sister and telling her how terrible I am for not giving them the time of day. She understands my viewpoint, but I hate that they are putting her in the middle. I now live with my sister as a roommate and pay rent. Am I unreasonable for not wanting to speak to my parents?

~Hurt and Confused.

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 Dear Hurt and Confused,

I am so sorry that you have found yourself in that kind of situation. No one should have to go through that and I understand that it is an extremely painful thing to go through.

If I were you, I would reach out to your parents once and only once. I would explain to them that they chose to sever their ties with you the moment they kicked you out without any guarantee that you would have somewhere to go. What they did was extremely harmful and hurtful. They need to understand that them cutting you out of their lives means that they cut themselves out of yours. Maybe one day you will get to a place where you are able to forgive them and allow them back into your life, but that day is not today, and it is not something they can force. They have to wait until YOU are ready.

They also need to understand that their failed relationship with you is not your sister's responsibility. They need to leave her out of the situation. They made the mess, they need to show that they are willing to fix it. Harassing your sister about how you are unreasonable and unfair isn't going to change your mind and make you forgive them any faster (if at all).

You may choose to rekindle your relationship with them in the future, but right now it is just far too soon for you. If they can’t respect that, that is on them.

After that, your conscience should be clear and you can move forward with your life however you may decide to live it.

I hope this helps, and good luck!

~Cordelia Cross

Unsolicited Advice

Dear Cordelia,

One of my teachers noticed that I had been having a rough time and offered to lend an ear. I took them up on the offer, and ever since then, I feel as though the teacher is getting too close to my personal life. They continue to give their opinion on my family and in a way "parent" me. I feel a bit uncomfortable, what should I do?

~The Anxious Student

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This is a situation that is a bit hard to give advice on without a bit more context.

I would recommend first talking to either a parent or guardian. If you don’t feel comfortable talking to them about it, speak to your guidance counselor. Sometimes talking through the situation with another person can help give perspective on a situation and make you understand a bit more how best to proceed.

After that, I recommend speaking to the teacher. I would explain that you appreciate them taking the time to check in on you, but you wouldn’t like their advice in the future on things that do not relate to your class. Then, if they retaliate in any way or the situation only gets worse, you have proof that you spoke to someone else before talking to the teacher and you can take the next steps with your counselor or parents in your corner.

I hope this helps! Please email me back to let me know how it goes!

~Cordelia Cross