Stressed Step Dad

Dear Cordelia,

I'm pretty sure my wife's 9-year-old son from a previous marriage thinks that I hate him, but I don't. I recently moved in and I don't know how to interact with him. I in no way want to replace his father. I just want to have a relationship with him. However, after having a terrible experience with my own "stepfamily" I don't want to force my way into his life or have him feel like I am taking over. How do I show him that I care without forcing him to change his whole life or making him make room for me when he isn't ready? I just want us to be a family.

~ Stressed Step Dad

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Dear Stressed Step Dad,

Any major changes to a family dynamic can be really hard. I don't know what the living situation was like for the child and his mother before you moved in. If they had just been living alone for a long time, it may be a bit hard for him to adjust.

In any relationship, the first few steps involve getting to know each other on a personal level. Try sitting down with him and getting to know him. If he is shy and skittish, try to find a place that you both feel comfortable (maybe your living room or even the park around the block) and just find out a bit more about each other. You may find that you have tons of things in common and have tons of things to bond over.

I also recommend that you explain to him why you were apprehensive about trying to spend time with him. It's okay to admit that you were nervous and wanted to make sure that he was ready for a new person in his life without forcing your way in. If you feel comfortable, share your own experiences with your stepfamily and explain that you never want him to feel that way.

He may be young, but he will appreciate your honesty more than anything. Sometimes kids just want to be given the truth and treated like an adult.

I hope this helps!

~Cordy

Confused and Sad I Might Lose This Girl

Hey Cordelia,

I am bisexual and I’ve been talking to this girl I met on an online dating app.

She’s super chill and we had been really hitting it off the last week or so and she invited me to come to her place this weekend. I drove three hours to see her so I was kind of expecting that we might kiss at least, but that didn’t happen. Also, I’ve been talking to her in total for about a couple of months now, but because I was bi she got scared and didn’t want to take the risk of me dating her and then going back to a guy.

Honestly, I thought things went well and that she was over that… so I’m just not really sure where I went wrong. I mean, she keeps saying how she finds me very attractive and likes me, but she didn’t want to kiss me because she said she felt uncomfortable. Well, at the end of the night she started crying and said that she didn’t like all the pressure of hooking up. I left early this morning and apologized via text but she’s been ignoring me. I’m so confused.

What should I do?

~Confused and Sad I Might Lose This Girl

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Dear Confused and Sad I Might Lose This Girl,

It can be extremely hard getting to know people online. I have always been the kind of person who loved to write letters and long messages versus talking and online always gave me that reassurance. Talking to people online always gave you to chance to know them, not their looks, as long as people were honest.

However, sometimes meeting online first can make things harder when you eventually get to meet in person. When you first meet someone, you get to ask them questions about themselves and see their reactions and their mannerisms. But when you meet them online first, you get all of those questions out of the way and find it hard to make small talk. Then, at that point, things seem to move so fast because you miss all of those "in-person" milestones because you already know that information.

It seems silly to ask someone what their favorite candy bar is when you already know, and without those "icebreakers" to help ease the situation you feel like expectations for more of the physical things you can't do online are all that more high.

This is what I recommend you do. Wait about a day. If she doesn't message you again, message her. Tell her that you are sorry that the expectations were overwhelming on your first "date" and that was never your intention. Tell her that you would love the chance to hang out again, but this time it should be in a more neutral area. Instead of staying at her house, maybe take her out to dinner and a movie, or plan something that you can do (like going to breakfast, and then the Zoo) that would take up most of the day.

It would put you both in a situation where the focus is on getting to know each other emotionally not just physically. At the end of the night, drive home, don't stay the night unless she invites you to first. If you have the money you could even get a hotel room nearby and go to breakfast the next morning before driving home. Let her warm up to you. It may be kind of hard at first to do something like this (I'm sure you'd be tired), but it will be worth it when you both gradually get the chance to build a stronger foundation.

If she doesn't reply to you when you message her, try surprising her. Girls like grand gestures, just try and plan the date around something that you both enjoy. If you pick something that she already mentioned she likes, it will get you bonus points because she will know that you take the time to understand how she is feeling and get to know her.

I hope this helps!

Please let us know how it goes!

~Cordelia