Stressed Step Dad

Dear Cordelia,

I'm pretty sure my wife's 9-year-old son from a previous marriage thinks that I hate him, but I don't. I recently moved in and I don't know how to interact with him. I in no way want to replace his father. I just want to have a relationship with him. However, after having a terrible experience with my own "stepfamily" I don't want to force my way into his life or have him feel like I am taking over. How do I show him that I care without forcing him to change his whole life or making him make room for me when he isn't ready? I just want us to be a family.

~ Stressed Step Dad

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Dear Stressed Step Dad,

Any major changes to a family dynamic can be really hard. I don't know what the living situation was like for the child and his mother before you moved in. If they had just been living alone for a long time, it may be a bit hard for him to adjust.

In any relationship, the first few steps involve getting to know each other on a personal level. Try sitting down with him and getting to know him. If he is shy and skittish, try to find a place that you both feel comfortable (maybe your living room or even the park around the block) and just find out a bit more about each other. You may find that you have tons of things in common and have tons of things to bond over.

I also recommend that you explain to him why you were apprehensive about trying to spend time with him. It's okay to admit that you were nervous and wanted to make sure that he was ready for a new person in his life without forcing your way in. If you feel comfortable, share your own experiences with your stepfamily and explain that you never want him to feel that way.

He may be young, but he will appreciate your honesty more than anything. Sometimes kids just want to be given the truth and treated like an adult.

I hope this helps!

~Cordy