Hey Cordelia,
I am bisexual and I’ve been talking to this girl I met on an online dating app.
She’s super chill and we had been really hitting it off the last week or so and she invited me to come to her place this weekend. I drove three hours to see her so I was kind of expecting that we might kiss at least, but that didn’t happen. Also, I’ve been talking to her in total for about a couple of months now, but because I was bi she got scared and didn’t want to take the risk of me dating her and then going back to a guy.
Honestly, I thought things went well and that she was over that… so I’m just not really sure where I went wrong. I mean, she keeps saying how she finds me very attractive and likes me, but she didn’t want to kiss me because she said she felt uncomfortable. Well, at the end of the night she started crying and said that she didn’t like all the pressure of hooking up. I left early this morning and apologized via text but she’s been ignoring me. I’m so confused.
What should I do?
~Confused and Sad I Might Lose This Girl
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Dear Confused and Sad I Might Lose This Girl,
It can be extremely hard getting to know people online. I have always been the kind of person who loved to write letters and long messages versus talking and online always gave me that reassurance. Talking to people online always gave you to chance to know them, not their looks, as long as people were honest.
However, sometimes meeting online first can make things harder when you eventually get to meet in person. When you first meet someone, you get to ask them questions about themselves and see their reactions and their mannerisms. But when you meet them online first, you get all of those questions out of the way and find it hard to make small talk. Then, at that point, things seem to move so fast because you miss all of those "in-person" milestones because you already know that information.
It seems silly to ask someone what their favorite candy bar is when you already know, and without those "icebreakers" to help ease the situation you feel like expectations for more of the physical things you can't do online are all that more high.
This is what I recommend you do. Wait about a day. If she doesn't message you again, message her. Tell her that you are sorry that the expectations were overwhelming on your first "date" and that was never your intention. Tell her that you would love the chance to hang out again, but this time it should be in a more neutral area. Instead of staying at her house, maybe take her out to dinner and a movie, or plan something that you can do (like going to breakfast, and then the Zoo) that would take up most of the day.
It would put you both in a situation where the focus is on getting to know each other emotionally not just physically. At the end of the night, drive home, don't stay the night unless she invites you to first. If you have the money you could even get a hotel room nearby and go to breakfast the next morning before driving home. Let her warm up to you. It may be kind of hard at first to do something like this (I'm sure you'd be tired), but it will be worth it when you both gradually get the chance to build a stronger foundation.
If she doesn't reply to you when you message her, try surprising her. Girls like grand gestures, just try and plan the date around something that you both enjoy. If you pick something that she already mentioned she likes, it will get you bonus points because she will know that you take the time to understand how she is feeling and get to know her.
I hope this helps!
Please let us know how it goes!
~Cordelia
Hey all you out there in Cyberspace!
It's Cordelia and Welcome to Consult Cordelia. I am not a licensed Therapist or Psychiatrist, but I have alot of life experience and I am always willing to help. If you need advice on anything, email CordeliaCrossBlog@gmail.com with the situation and "Consult Cordelia" in the subject line and maybe you will get featured in the next post with a bit of advice. If you do not wish to have your name disclosed, please sign your letter with a pen name.
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