The Caged Bird

Dear Cordelia,

My parents were physically and emotionally abusive to me for years. the moment I turned 18 I got out of there and severed most ties with them. Now, I am 19 and getting ready to leave the country for school only to realize my passport is still at their house. They refuse to give it to me unless I agree to let them back into my life. I need them to understand that I might not ever forgive them. If I do, it will be on MY terms, not THEIRS. They literally said that they are doing this to keep me from going abroad until I start talking to them.

What should I do?

Sincerely,

The Caged Bird


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Dear Caged Bird,

I am so sorry that you had to grow up in an abusive household. That can take a huge toll on someone and it gets even worse when the "adults" involved in the situation refuse to acknowledge how bad it really was.

If the situation is so unsafe that you do not feel comfortable going back to your parent's house alone, I recommend you do this; text your parents (so that there is proof that they have it) asking them to please return your Passport. It is not their property, and they do not have the right to keep it from you. If they refuse to give it to you, ask them why they will not give it to you. After they respond, stop texting them.

Then, go to your local police station and ask to speak to an officer. Explain the situation and present them with the texts from your parents. Then ask that one of them escorts you to their house to retrieve it and any other possessions you may have. Don't keep texting your parents after that. It will only add fuel to the fire and make the situation worse.

Once you arrive at their house with the officer explain that you will not be starting contact back up with them again until you are ready and that day may not ever come. They hurt you repeatedly for so many years and trying to manipulate you as an adult will not change your mind. Either way, having a witness there, (especially an officer) will help make the situation far smoother and give you some serious piece of mind.

If you would rather avoid that situation, you can always get a second Passport. You can have up to two total in most cases unless there are certain circumstances that make it necessary to be issued another. For instance, if your house gets broken into and both are stolen.

I hope my reply helps and that you are able to get this situation resolved safely. Please let us know how it goes!

~Cordelia Cross

Weirdos Down the Way

Dear Cordelia,

My husband and I have a bit of a reputation for being quirky in town. We own and run the only new age type store for miles despite our town being pretty conservative and reserved. My 16 year old son threw a bonfire for his birthday and no one showed up. When he asked his friends about it, they said that their parents told them that they weren't allowed to attend.

What should I do? I feel like I am ruining my son's chances of having a good upbringing and good memories because everyone else is too judgmental. He said it was fine, but I could tell that he was hurt by it and didn't want to blame us.

Please help!

~The Weirdos Down the Way


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Dear Weirdos Down the Way,

I just want to start off by saying that you sound like really sweet and caring parents and your son is very lucky to have you.

There are a couple of ways that you can go about resolving this issue. Maybe try planning another event for your son in a more public place. When you have him invite his friends, invite their parents to drop in as well. They may not realize that their thoughts and misconceptions about you are very wrong. Meeting in a common public area can help remove some of that anxiety they may feel.

Another thing I would recommend trying is maybe reaching out to the parents of the other kids. They may not realize that you aren't as eccentric as they think. A lot of the time issues like this rise from a lack of understanding. If you have a sit down with the other parents and explain to them that even though your beliefs are different, you wont be forcing yours on their child. They are invited over to socialize with your son. Not to convert to your spirituality.

If they can't understand that, and they continue to penalize your son because of it, they aren't the kind of people you would want in your lives anyway.

Another thing I recommend doing is maybe seeing if some of your customers have children around the age of your son. Maybe some of them would really enjoy getting to know him and becoming his friend. Who knows, maybe they can hit it off?

Before you do anything though, I would try talking to your son about it first. Let him know that you are not naive and that you know that the reason that his friends were unable to attend was because of their parents. Talk to him about different solutions and see what he would really want to do.

Who knows? Maybe he decides that he was happier with the celebration being just between family any way? Maybe he becomes way better friends with the child of one of your customers? Maybe he has another potential solution of his own. Just make sure that he knows that you appreciate that he was trying to spare your feelings by saying that everything was fine when he was still affected by the issue.

I really hope this helps and please do not forget to let us know how it goes!

~Cordelia Cross

Prom Blues

Dear Cordelia,

My 16-year-old daughter is angry with me because I won’t let her go to her prom. My Mom, my mother in law, and my husband all think I am being unreasonable. Is this wrong of me? What should I do? I know what happens at Prom and what the expectations are. My Prom was when I got pregnant with my daughter. I don't want her making the same mistakes I did. I love her and I wouldn't trade her for anything, but I wouldn't want her to give her life away so soon. I am just so worried that by not letting her go I am letting her down.

~Cautious Mama Bear

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ Dear Mama Bear,

Prom is one of the most pivotal experiences of growing up. It is one of the first real formal events that you get to attend in your young adult years. I never got to go to my senior prom. I went to my boyfriend’s though. At the time he was a senior and I was a sophomore.

Prom was amazing and I regret that I didn’t get to go to mine. So many of us get to use that as a final moment to say farewell and party with our friends before we all leave for college and go our separate ways. My prom was full of adventures and I got to connect with people I hadn’t talked to my entire time at high school.

By the time my prom rolled around, I had already left high school early and started college and I didn’t get to attend. I regret missing it so much because of the amazing experience I had at the prom that wasn’t mine. I am never really one to a party or go out, but Prom wasn’t just about partying. It was about saying goodbye to the person you used to be and the life you used to have and looking to the future.

I understand that this is scary for you, considering how your prom went. Honestly though, not allowing her to go would be a mistake. One of the worst things that you can do in life is to punish your kids for your mistakes. Don't force her to miss out because you regret your personal choices.

The prom I went to at 16 wasn’t mine, but I had a lot of friends who were older and getting ready to leave. So many of them I haven’t seen since they graduated and now they are off living their own lives. I think that you should let her go, but just give her some ground rules.

Make sure you know who she is going with in case of emergencies.

Set a Curfew.

Make sure you know if she is planning to go to an afterparty or going to eat after and who it is with.

If you both have a steady plan for the night it should be fine.

I hope this helps!

~Cordelia Cross