Desperately Wanting to Fix This

Hello Cordelia,

So here’s a little bit of back story: my boyfriend and I have been together for a few months. Last week, Sunday, we got into a disagreement about something misconstrued over text. So, following that disagreement, we talked through things that evening. I thought things were resolved but, then comes Monday. Monday he went into this pattern where he texted me Monday morning, went MIA until Tuesday afternoon/evening, texted me Wednesday morning, went MIA until Thursday afternoon/evening, and then texted me Friday morning. Weird, but I just let him do his thing.

This lead to the current dilemma. Yesterday, Saturday, he texted me around 3 pm saying “sorry I’ve been distant, I don’t want to be in his relationship right now, I’m sorry”. I didn’t respond (because I was working). About 2 hours later, though, I got a phone call from him and we talked for about an hour.

At one point in the conversation, he said: “I just need some more time, let’s talk or see each other on Thursday and look at starting over.” I agreed and he went on to say “I’m not really one to take breaks from relationships but I think that’s what we need right now. I care about you but need a few more days to think.” All that said, I’m not sure what to think or where to go from here.

 I am maintaining hope that Thursday will go well and this “break” will be over and we can start to get back on track but I’m not really sure. He went from wanting to break up too just wanting a break for a few days.

I need advice! Please!

~Desperately Wanting to Fix This

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Dear Desperately Wanting to Fix This,

It seems like right now in your relationship you have come to an impasse. It seems like your boyfriend's feelings may have changed or shifted and you aren't both on the same page anymore. As hard as it can be to let go of a relationship, it is a lot harder on yourself to hang on.

When he was talking to you that first day and stated that he didn't want to be in the relationship with you anymore, I think he was trying to be honest about what he was feeling in that moment. I don't say that to hurt you, but I want to help you understand that sometimes relationships aren't as strong from both sides as they seem.

I recommend when you meet with him on Thursday, you ask him why he is having a hard time in the relationship and what is weighing on him. The foundation of any strong relationship is communication. If you two aren't talking about important things like this together, you might not be right for each other.

From the situation you described, it seems like he was trying to break off the relationship, but only agreed to a "break" to help ease your mind and make it easier for you. On the flipside, if he isn't happy, the best thing for you both may be to step back, end your relationship and focus on building a friendship with each other again. Sometimes when you are in a relationship with someone you lose that bit of yourselves that you fell for in the beginning because you've become so focused on being the best person for each other. 

I know that it hurts and that it is hard, but less than a week isn't a real break. It is my recommendation that you stop messaging him unless he messages you first. When you meet, agree to spend a few weeks apart from each other romantically. After that time, if you decide that you miss each other and want to start seeing each other romantically again, then you can get together again. If you don't, then you don't. Doing things this way will ensure that both of you have the time that you need to work through this.

I hope this helps!

~Cordelia

Trapped and Smothered

Dear Cordelia,

I am 13 years old and I have never given my parents a reason to not trust me. I am home schooled and they got me a phone so I can talk to family members and the neighbors (who are really my only friends). They spy on my phone and read all my messages and ask me about them. If I tell my grandma I am sad, my parents ask me why I am sad and what I have to be sad about. If I tell my neighbor I am "excited for tomorrow" which is when they are supposed to come over to hang out my parents ask me what is so exciting about tomorrow.

They go through my search history online and ask me things like "Why are you researching for help on your homework when we are right here?" They just don't get that I am getting older and I need to have some room to be my own person and do my own thing. Even when I am writing this email to you, I know they will be reading it and asking me about it.

Is it normal for a parent to go through their kid's phone and search history like this? Is it normal for them to interrogate me about every little thing? It would be different if I was talking about something suspicious or unsafe but I am not.

Please help me. I feel like I am going crazy.

~Trapped and Smothered.


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Dear Trapped and Smothered,

Personally, I feel that if you have to spy on your kids to be involved in their life you are doing things wrong. If you spent enough time with your kids focused on making them feel like they could come to you with anything (simply telling them that they can isn’t enough) they would feel the need to hide less. There were so many things that I had gone through when I was younger that I didn’t come forward to my parents about because my mom didn’t make me feel like I could open up, and my dad would just tell my mom if I told him.

Then after my mom demanding to know what I was going through, she started spying on my phone. Let me just point out that that made me even less likely to open up to her, and still to this day I have a hard time with our interactions because I feel like she can be too manipulative when the situation arises.

Teenagers will always have ways of hiding things that are bothering them, or that they want to keep private. But if you have a strong relationship with your kids they will come to you and open up when they need the help, advice, or guidance. Having a strong, trusting relationship is so much better than spying in on a message or two.

I would sit down with your parents and explain to them how you feel, and how it makes you feel when they do this.

They may not realize how much it damages your relationship with them. If they blow you off or refuse to understand just tell them that you aren't being disrespectful, and you aren't hiding anything. You understand that they care about your well-being but there is a difference between protecting you and smothering you. Maybe ask that if they are going to continue to look through your messages they don't constantly ask you about every little thing. It makes you feel like they don't trust you and they are micromanaging every aspect of your life.

You are already home schooled and your interactions with other people are so limited, you need some space to be yourself, even if that means having them still read your messages without making you feel terrible for every single word you say.

Please let us know how your chat with your parents goes!

~Cordelia Cross

Anxiety and Depression

Dear Cordelia,

I have been suffering from severe Anxiety and Panic Attacks since I was pretty young. For years I have been seeing a therapist and a psychologist, but my parents refuse to let me take any actual medication for the two. They believe that modern medicine is a myth and that all the medications are just placebos. How can I convince my parents to let me try to take pills for my anxiety? My psychologist says it's better for me. I just need them to switch me to a psychiatrist. What is the best way to talk to them about this?

~Anxious About My Anxiety

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Dear Anxious About My Anxiety,

Personally, I have suffered through intense anxiety and depression for years. A lot of this came about back when I was younger and I was so worried about talking to my parents. Everyone was so adamant about giving me their opinion about how they understood how I felt and how that was normal. The whole time, the things that they were describing were so far away from what I felt that I convinced myself that there was something wrong with me because I wasn’t experiencing that “normal” they were describing.

But at the same time, how could they have known what I was feeling if I didn’t fight to make them aware. I recommend sitting down with them and explaining what you are going through and what you are feeling. If you are worried or afraid of how they might react, try meeting with a school counselor first and then having them be a mediator for the conversation with your parents.

From experience, I know that it is an extremely daunting conversation to have, but the more you put it off, the more your anxiety will ramp up. If it is too hard of a discussion to have alone, maybe having your psychologist there would help? Ask them to attend a session with you and when the psychologist has you explain what you are feeling, make sure you explain it with as many details as possible so your parents have a better chance to fully understand what you are feeling and experiencing. This might make all the difference.

I hope this helps! Please let us know how it goes!

~Cordelia Cross

Social Butterfly

Dear Cordelia,

Do you think that the teenage years are the most important times for socializing, or do you think that is a waste of time? Is what they say about Teenage years being extremely important for Social Development true?

~Not Sure What to Do

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Dear Not Sure What To Do,

From your Question, I cannot really tell if you are a teenager or a parent. I am sorry.

When it comes to the teenage years, so much happens and so many changes all at once. You go from being this sheltered little kid to being expected to start making important life-altering decisions and branch out of your old comfort zone. Being a teenager is a unique time in your life to reach out and try new things and meet new people while still having the safety net of your parents close by for support. Reaching out and making friends and being social is extremely important and so is finding the balance between social life and a life of responsibility. Your teenage years should be centered around finding yourself and finding that quintessential balance.

From this conversation, I am not sure if you are the child or the parent of a teenager. I am also unsure if you are asking this question because you are unsure of some possible influences in your/your child's life.

If you are the parent, let your teenager stretch out a little and find who they want to be through reaching out to new and different people. But just make sure that they know and understand that you are there to love and support them through this process.

If you are the kid, just remember that you are still young and even though it may not seem like it, your parents aren’t the enemy. Explain to them that you need to reach out and make new friends, but that you won’t let that interfere with your school or other responsibilities.

I hope this helps! Please let us know if you have any other questions by sending us an email to CordeliaCrossblog@gmail.com

~Cordelia Cross.