Trapped and Smothered

Dear Cordelia,

I am 13 years old and I have never given my parents a reason to not trust me. I am home schooled and they got me a phone so I can talk to family members and the neighbors (who are really my only friends). They spy on my phone and read all my messages and ask me about them. If I tell my grandma I am sad, my parents ask me why I am sad and what I have to be sad about. If I tell my neighbor I am "excited for tomorrow" which is when they are supposed to come over to hang out my parents ask me what is so exciting about tomorrow.

They go through my search history online and ask me things like "Why are you researching for help on your homework when we are right here?" They just don't get that I am getting older and I need to have some room to be my own person and do my own thing. Even when I am writing this email to you, I know they will be reading it and asking me about it.

Is it normal for a parent to go through their kid's phone and search history like this? Is it normal for them to interrogate me about every little thing? It would be different if I was talking about something suspicious or unsafe but I am not.

Please help me. I feel like I am going crazy.

~Trapped and Smothered.


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Dear Trapped and Smothered,

Personally, I feel that if you have to spy on your kids to be involved in their life you are doing things wrong. If you spent enough time with your kids focused on making them feel like they could come to you with anything (simply telling them that they can isn’t enough) they would feel the need to hide less. There were so many things that I had gone through when I was younger that I didn’t come forward to my parents about because my mom didn’t make me feel like I could open up, and my dad would just tell my mom if I told him.

Then after my mom demanding to know what I was going through, she started spying on my phone. Let me just point out that that made me even less likely to open up to her, and still to this day I have a hard time with our interactions because I feel like she can be too manipulative when the situation arises.

Teenagers will always have ways of hiding things that are bothering them, or that they want to keep private. But if you have a strong relationship with your kids they will come to you and open up when they need the help, advice, or guidance. Having a strong, trusting relationship is so much better than spying in on a message or two.

I would sit down with your parents and explain to them how you feel, and how it makes you feel when they do this.

They may not realize how much it damages your relationship with them. If they blow you off or refuse to understand just tell them that you aren't being disrespectful, and you aren't hiding anything. You understand that they care about your well-being but there is a difference between protecting you and smothering you. Maybe ask that if they are going to continue to look through your messages they don't constantly ask you about every little thing. It makes you feel like they don't trust you and they are micromanaging every aspect of your life.

You are already home schooled and your interactions with other people are so limited, you need some space to be yourself, even if that means having them still read your messages without making you feel terrible for every single word you say.

Please let us know how your chat with your parents goes!

~Cordelia Cross