The Caged Bird

Dear Cordelia,

My parents were physically and emotionally abusive to me for years. the moment I turned 18 I got out of there and severed most ties with them. Now, I am 19 and getting ready to leave the country for school only to realize my passport is still at their house. They refuse to give it to me unless I agree to let them back into my life. I need them to understand that I might not ever forgive them. If I do, it will be on MY terms, not THEIRS. They literally said that they are doing this to keep me from going abroad until I start talking to them.

What should I do?

Sincerely,

The Caged Bird


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Dear Caged Bird,

I am so sorry that you had to grow up in an abusive household. That can take a huge toll on someone and it gets even worse when the "adults" involved in the situation refuse to acknowledge how bad it really was.

If the situation is so unsafe that you do not feel comfortable going back to your parent's house alone, I recommend you do this; text your parents (so that there is proof that they have it) asking them to please return your Passport. It is not their property, and they do not have the right to keep it from you. If they refuse to give it to you, ask them why they will not give it to you. After they respond, stop texting them.

Then, go to your local police station and ask to speak to an officer. Explain the situation and present them with the texts from your parents. Then ask that one of them escorts you to their house to retrieve it and any other possessions you may have. Don't keep texting your parents after that. It will only add fuel to the fire and make the situation worse.

Once you arrive at their house with the officer explain that you will not be starting contact back up with them again until you are ready and that day may not ever come. They hurt you repeatedly for so many years and trying to manipulate you as an adult will not change your mind. Either way, having a witness there, (especially an officer) will help make the situation far smoother and give you some serious piece of mind.

If you would rather avoid that situation, you can always get a second Passport. You can have up to two total in most cases unless there are certain circumstances that make it necessary to be issued another. For instance, if your house gets broken into and both are stolen.

I hope my reply helps and that you are able to get this situation resolved safely. Please let us know how it goes!

~Cordelia Cross

Weirdos Down the Way

Dear Cordelia,

My husband and I have a bit of a reputation for being quirky in town. We own and run the only new age type store for miles despite our town being pretty conservative and reserved. My 16 year old son threw a bonfire for his birthday and no one showed up. When he asked his friends about it, they said that their parents told them that they weren't allowed to attend.

What should I do? I feel like I am ruining my son's chances of having a good upbringing and good memories because everyone else is too judgmental. He said it was fine, but I could tell that he was hurt by it and didn't want to blame us.

Please help!

~The Weirdos Down the Way


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Dear Weirdos Down the Way,

I just want to start off by saying that you sound like really sweet and caring parents and your son is very lucky to have you.

There are a couple of ways that you can go about resolving this issue. Maybe try planning another event for your son in a more public place. When you have him invite his friends, invite their parents to drop in as well. They may not realize that their thoughts and misconceptions about you are very wrong. Meeting in a common public area can help remove some of that anxiety they may feel.

Another thing I would recommend trying is maybe reaching out to the parents of the other kids. They may not realize that you aren't as eccentric as they think. A lot of the time issues like this rise from a lack of understanding. If you have a sit down with the other parents and explain to them that even though your beliefs are different, you wont be forcing yours on their child. They are invited over to socialize with your son. Not to convert to your spirituality.

If they can't understand that, and they continue to penalize your son because of it, they aren't the kind of people you would want in your lives anyway.

Another thing I recommend doing is maybe seeing if some of your customers have children around the age of your son. Maybe some of them would really enjoy getting to know him and becoming his friend. Who knows, maybe they can hit it off?

Before you do anything though, I would try talking to your son about it first. Let him know that you are not naive and that you know that the reason that his friends were unable to attend was because of their parents. Talk to him about different solutions and see what he would really want to do.

Who knows? Maybe he decides that he was happier with the celebration being just between family any way? Maybe he becomes way better friends with the child of one of your customers? Maybe he has another potential solution of his own. Just make sure that he knows that you appreciate that he was trying to spare your feelings by saying that everything was fine when he was still affected by the issue.

I really hope this helps and please do not forget to let us know how it goes!

~Cordelia Cross

Prom Blues

Dear Cordelia,

My 16-year-old daughter is angry with me because I won’t let her go to her prom. My Mom, my mother in law, and my husband all think I am being unreasonable. Is this wrong of me? What should I do? I know what happens at Prom and what the expectations are. My Prom was when I got pregnant with my daughter. I don't want her making the same mistakes I did. I love her and I wouldn't trade her for anything, but I wouldn't want her to give her life away so soon. I am just so worried that by not letting her go I am letting her down.

~Cautious Mama Bear

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ Dear Mama Bear,

Prom is one of the most pivotal experiences of growing up. It is one of the first real formal events that you get to attend in your young adult years. I never got to go to my senior prom. I went to my boyfriend’s though. At the time he was a senior and I was a sophomore.

Prom was amazing and I regret that I didn’t get to go to mine. So many of us get to use that as a final moment to say farewell and party with our friends before we all leave for college and go our separate ways. My prom was full of adventures and I got to connect with people I hadn’t talked to my entire time at high school.

By the time my prom rolled around, I had already left high school early and started college and I didn’t get to attend. I regret missing it so much because of the amazing experience I had at the prom that wasn’t mine. I am never really one to a party or go out, but Prom wasn’t just about partying. It was about saying goodbye to the person you used to be and the life you used to have and looking to the future.

I understand that this is scary for you, considering how your prom went. Honestly though, not allowing her to go would be a mistake. One of the worst things that you can do in life is to punish your kids for your mistakes. Don't force her to miss out because you regret your personal choices.

The prom I went to at 16 wasn’t mine, but I had a lot of friends who were older and getting ready to leave. So many of them I haven’t seen since they graduated and now they are off living their own lives. I think that you should let her go, but just give her some ground rules.

Make sure you know who she is going with in case of emergencies.

Set a Curfew.

Make sure you know if she is planning to go to an afterparty or going to eat after and who it is with.

If you both have a steady plan for the night it should be fine.

I hope this helps!

~Cordelia Cross

Stressed Step Dad

Dear Cordelia,

I'm pretty sure my wife's 9-year-old son from a previous marriage thinks that I hate him, but I don't. I recently moved in and I don't know how to interact with him. I in no way want to replace his father. I just want to have a relationship with him. However, after having a terrible experience with my own "stepfamily" I don't want to force my way into his life or have him feel like I am taking over. How do I show him that I care without forcing him to change his whole life or making him make room for me when he isn't ready? I just want us to be a family.

~ Stressed Step Dad

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Dear Stressed Step Dad,

Any major changes to a family dynamic can be really hard. I don't know what the living situation was like for the child and his mother before you moved in. If they had just been living alone for a long time, it may be a bit hard for him to adjust.

In any relationship, the first few steps involve getting to know each other on a personal level. Try sitting down with him and getting to know him. If he is shy and skittish, try to find a place that you both feel comfortable (maybe your living room or even the park around the block) and just find out a bit more about each other. You may find that you have tons of things in common and have tons of things to bond over.

I also recommend that you explain to him why you were apprehensive about trying to spend time with him. It's okay to admit that you were nervous and wanted to make sure that he was ready for a new person in his life without forcing your way in. If you feel comfortable, share your own experiences with your stepfamily and explain that you never want him to feel that way.

He may be young, but he will appreciate your honesty more than anything. Sometimes kids just want to be given the truth and treated like an adult.

I hope this helps!

~Cordy

Confused and Sad I Might Lose This Girl

Hey Cordelia,

I am bisexual and I’ve been talking to this girl I met on an online dating app.

She’s super chill and we had been really hitting it off the last week or so and she invited me to come to her place this weekend. I drove three hours to see her so I was kind of expecting that we might kiss at least, but that didn’t happen. Also, I’ve been talking to her in total for about a couple of months now, but because I was bi she got scared and didn’t want to take the risk of me dating her and then going back to a guy.

Honestly, I thought things went well and that she was over that… so I’m just not really sure where I went wrong. I mean, she keeps saying how she finds me very attractive and likes me, but she didn’t want to kiss me because she said she felt uncomfortable. Well, at the end of the night she started crying and said that she didn’t like all the pressure of hooking up. I left early this morning and apologized via text but she’s been ignoring me. I’m so confused.

What should I do?

~Confused and Sad I Might Lose This Girl

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Dear Confused and Sad I Might Lose This Girl,

It can be extremely hard getting to know people online. I have always been the kind of person who loved to write letters and long messages versus talking and online always gave me that reassurance. Talking to people online always gave you to chance to know them, not their looks, as long as people were honest.

However, sometimes meeting online first can make things harder when you eventually get to meet in person. When you first meet someone, you get to ask them questions about themselves and see their reactions and their mannerisms. But when you meet them online first, you get all of those questions out of the way and find it hard to make small talk. Then, at that point, things seem to move so fast because you miss all of those "in-person" milestones because you already know that information.

It seems silly to ask someone what their favorite candy bar is when you already know, and without those "icebreakers" to help ease the situation you feel like expectations for more of the physical things you can't do online are all that more high.

This is what I recommend you do. Wait about a day. If she doesn't message you again, message her. Tell her that you are sorry that the expectations were overwhelming on your first "date" and that was never your intention. Tell her that you would love the chance to hang out again, but this time it should be in a more neutral area. Instead of staying at her house, maybe take her out to dinner and a movie, or plan something that you can do (like going to breakfast, and then the Zoo) that would take up most of the day.

It would put you both in a situation where the focus is on getting to know each other emotionally not just physically. At the end of the night, drive home, don't stay the night unless she invites you to first. If you have the money you could even get a hotel room nearby and go to breakfast the next morning before driving home. Let her warm up to you. It may be kind of hard at first to do something like this (I'm sure you'd be tired), but it will be worth it when you both gradually get the chance to build a stronger foundation.

If she doesn't reply to you when you message her, try surprising her. Girls like grand gestures, just try and plan the date around something that you both enjoy. If you pick something that she already mentioned she likes, it will get you bonus points because she will know that you take the time to understand how she is feeling and get to know her.

I hope this helps!

Please let us know how it goes!

~Cordelia

Desperately Wanting to Fix This

Hello Cordelia,

So here’s a little bit of back story: my boyfriend and I have been together for a few months. Last week, Sunday, we got into a disagreement about something misconstrued over text. So, following that disagreement, we talked through things that evening. I thought things were resolved but, then comes Monday. Monday he went into this pattern where he texted me Monday morning, went MIA until Tuesday afternoon/evening, texted me Wednesday morning, went MIA until Thursday afternoon/evening, and then texted me Friday morning. Weird, but I just let him do his thing.

This lead to the current dilemma. Yesterday, Saturday, he texted me around 3 pm saying “sorry I’ve been distant, I don’t want to be in his relationship right now, I’m sorry”. I didn’t respond (because I was working). About 2 hours later, though, I got a phone call from him and we talked for about an hour.

At one point in the conversation, he said: “I just need some more time, let’s talk or see each other on Thursday and look at starting over.” I agreed and he went on to say “I’m not really one to take breaks from relationships but I think that’s what we need right now. I care about you but need a few more days to think.” All that said, I’m not sure what to think or where to go from here.

 I am maintaining hope that Thursday will go well and this “break” will be over and we can start to get back on track but I’m not really sure. He went from wanting to break up too just wanting a break for a few days.

I need advice! Please!

~Desperately Wanting to Fix This

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Dear Desperately Wanting to Fix This,

It seems like right now in your relationship you have come to an impasse. It seems like your boyfriend's feelings may have changed or shifted and you aren't both on the same page anymore. As hard as it can be to let go of a relationship, it is a lot harder on yourself to hang on.

When he was talking to you that first day and stated that he didn't want to be in the relationship with you anymore, I think he was trying to be honest about what he was feeling in that moment. I don't say that to hurt you, but I want to help you understand that sometimes relationships aren't as strong from both sides as they seem.

I recommend when you meet with him on Thursday, you ask him why he is having a hard time in the relationship and what is weighing on him. The foundation of any strong relationship is communication. If you two aren't talking about important things like this together, you might not be right for each other.

From the situation you described, it seems like he was trying to break off the relationship, but only agreed to a "break" to help ease your mind and make it easier for you. On the flipside, if he isn't happy, the best thing for you both may be to step back, end your relationship and focus on building a friendship with each other again. Sometimes when you are in a relationship with someone you lose that bit of yourselves that you fell for in the beginning because you've become so focused on being the best person for each other. 

I know that it hurts and that it is hard, but less than a week isn't a real break. It is my recommendation that you stop messaging him unless he messages you first. When you meet, agree to spend a few weeks apart from each other romantically. After that time, if you decide that you miss each other and want to start seeing each other romantically again, then you can get together again. If you don't, then you don't. Doing things this way will ensure that both of you have the time that you need to work through this.

I hope this helps!

~Cordelia

Trapped and Smothered

Dear Cordelia,

I am 13 years old and I have never given my parents a reason to not trust me. I am home schooled and they got me a phone so I can talk to family members and the neighbors (who are really my only friends). They spy on my phone and read all my messages and ask me about them. If I tell my grandma I am sad, my parents ask me why I am sad and what I have to be sad about. If I tell my neighbor I am "excited for tomorrow" which is when they are supposed to come over to hang out my parents ask me what is so exciting about tomorrow.

They go through my search history online and ask me things like "Why are you researching for help on your homework when we are right here?" They just don't get that I am getting older and I need to have some room to be my own person and do my own thing. Even when I am writing this email to you, I know they will be reading it and asking me about it.

Is it normal for a parent to go through their kid's phone and search history like this? Is it normal for them to interrogate me about every little thing? It would be different if I was talking about something suspicious or unsafe but I am not.

Please help me. I feel like I am going crazy.

~Trapped and Smothered.


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Dear Trapped and Smothered,

Personally, I feel that if you have to spy on your kids to be involved in their life you are doing things wrong. If you spent enough time with your kids focused on making them feel like they could come to you with anything (simply telling them that they can isn’t enough) they would feel the need to hide less. There were so many things that I had gone through when I was younger that I didn’t come forward to my parents about because my mom didn’t make me feel like I could open up, and my dad would just tell my mom if I told him.

Then after my mom demanding to know what I was going through, she started spying on my phone. Let me just point out that that made me even less likely to open up to her, and still to this day I have a hard time with our interactions because I feel like she can be too manipulative when the situation arises.

Teenagers will always have ways of hiding things that are bothering them, or that they want to keep private. But if you have a strong relationship with your kids they will come to you and open up when they need the help, advice, or guidance. Having a strong, trusting relationship is so much better than spying in on a message or two.

I would sit down with your parents and explain to them how you feel, and how it makes you feel when they do this.

They may not realize how much it damages your relationship with them. If they blow you off or refuse to understand just tell them that you aren't being disrespectful, and you aren't hiding anything. You understand that they care about your well-being but there is a difference between protecting you and smothering you. Maybe ask that if they are going to continue to look through your messages they don't constantly ask you about every little thing. It makes you feel like they don't trust you and they are micromanaging every aspect of your life.

You are already home schooled and your interactions with other people are so limited, you need some space to be yourself, even if that means having them still read your messages without making you feel terrible for every single word you say.

Please let us know how your chat with your parents goes!

~Cordelia Cross