Stressed Step Dad

Dear Cordelia,

I'm pretty sure my wife's 9-year-old son from a previous marriage thinks that I hate him, but I don't. I recently moved in and I don't know how to interact with him. I in no way want to replace his father. I just want to have a relationship with him. However, after having a terrible experience with my own "stepfamily" I don't want to force my way into his life or have him feel like I am taking over. How do I show him that I care without forcing him to change his whole life or making him make room for me when he isn't ready? I just want us to be a family.

~ Stressed Step Dad

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Dear Stressed Step Dad,

Any major changes to a family dynamic can be really hard. I don't know what the living situation was like for the child and his mother before you moved in. If they had just been living alone for a long time, it may be a bit hard for him to adjust.

In any relationship, the first few steps involve getting to know each other on a personal level. Try sitting down with him and getting to know him. If he is shy and skittish, try to find a place that you both feel comfortable (maybe your living room or even the park around the block) and just find out a bit more about each other. You may find that you have tons of things in common and have tons of things to bond over.

I also recommend that you explain to him why you were apprehensive about trying to spend time with him. It's okay to admit that you were nervous and wanted to make sure that he was ready for a new person in his life without forcing your way in. If you feel comfortable, share your own experiences with your stepfamily and explain that you never want him to feel that way.

He may be young, but he will appreciate your honesty more than anything. Sometimes kids just want to be given the truth and treated like an adult.

I hope this helps!

~Cordy

Confused and Sad I Might Lose This Girl

Hey Cordelia,

I am bisexual and I’ve been talking to this girl I met on an online dating app.

She’s super chill and we had been really hitting it off the last week or so and she invited me to come to her place this weekend. I drove three hours to see her so I was kind of expecting that we might kiss at least, but that didn’t happen. Also, I’ve been talking to her in total for about a couple of months now, but because I was bi she got scared and didn’t want to take the risk of me dating her and then going back to a guy.

Honestly, I thought things went well and that she was over that… so I’m just not really sure where I went wrong. I mean, she keeps saying how she finds me very attractive and likes me, but she didn’t want to kiss me because she said she felt uncomfortable. Well, at the end of the night she started crying and said that she didn’t like all the pressure of hooking up. I left early this morning and apologized via text but she’s been ignoring me. I’m so confused.

What should I do?

~Confused and Sad I Might Lose This Girl

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Dear Confused and Sad I Might Lose This Girl,

It can be extremely hard getting to know people online. I have always been the kind of person who loved to write letters and long messages versus talking and online always gave me that reassurance. Talking to people online always gave you to chance to know them, not their looks, as long as people were honest.

However, sometimes meeting online first can make things harder when you eventually get to meet in person. When you first meet someone, you get to ask them questions about themselves and see their reactions and their mannerisms. But when you meet them online first, you get all of those questions out of the way and find it hard to make small talk. Then, at that point, things seem to move so fast because you miss all of those "in-person" milestones because you already know that information.

It seems silly to ask someone what their favorite candy bar is when you already know, and without those "icebreakers" to help ease the situation you feel like expectations for more of the physical things you can't do online are all that more high.

This is what I recommend you do. Wait about a day. If she doesn't message you again, message her. Tell her that you are sorry that the expectations were overwhelming on your first "date" and that was never your intention. Tell her that you would love the chance to hang out again, but this time it should be in a more neutral area. Instead of staying at her house, maybe take her out to dinner and a movie, or plan something that you can do (like going to breakfast, and then the Zoo) that would take up most of the day.

It would put you both in a situation where the focus is on getting to know each other emotionally not just physically. At the end of the night, drive home, don't stay the night unless she invites you to first. If you have the money you could even get a hotel room nearby and go to breakfast the next morning before driving home. Let her warm up to you. It may be kind of hard at first to do something like this (I'm sure you'd be tired), but it will be worth it when you both gradually get the chance to build a stronger foundation.

If she doesn't reply to you when you message her, try surprising her. Girls like grand gestures, just try and plan the date around something that you both enjoy. If you pick something that she already mentioned she likes, it will get you bonus points because she will know that you take the time to understand how she is feeling and get to know her.

I hope this helps!

Please let us know how it goes!

~Cordelia

Desperately Wanting to Fix This

Hello Cordelia,

So here’s a little bit of back story: my boyfriend and I have been together for a few months. Last week, Sunday, we got into a disagreement about something misconstrued over text. So, following that disagreement, we talked through things that evening. I thought things were resolved but, then comes Monday. Monday he went into this pattern where he texted me Monday morning, went MIA until Tuesday afternoon/evening, texted me Wednesday morning, went MIA until Thursday afternoon/evening, and then texted me Friday morning. Weird, but I just let him do his thing.

This lead to the current dilemma. Yesterday, Saturday, he texted me around 3 pm saying “sorry I’ve been distant, I don’t want to be in his relationship right now, I’m sorry”. I didn’t respond (because I was working). About 2 hours later, though, I got a phone call from him and we talked for about an hour.

At one point in the conversation, he said: “I just need some more time, let’s talk or see each other on Thursday and look at starting over.” I agreed and he went on to say “I’m not really one to take breaks from relationships but I think that’s what we need right now. I care about you but need a few more days to think.” All that said, I’m not sure what to think or where to go from here.

 I am maintaining hope that Thursday will go well and this “break” will be over and we can start to get back on track but I’m not really sure. He went from wanting to break up too just wanting a break for a few days.

I need advice! Please!

~Desperately Wanting to Fix This

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Dear Desperately Wanting to Fix This,

It seems like right now in your relationship you have come to an impasse. It seems like your boyfriend's feelings may have changed or shifted and you aren't both on the same page anymore. As hard as it can be to let go of a relationship, it is a lot harder on yourself to hang on.

When he was talking to you that first day and stated that he didn't want to be in the relationship with you anymore, I think he was trying to be honest about what he was feeling in that moment. I don't say that to hurt you, but I want to help you understand that sometimes relationships aren't as strong from both sides as they seem.

I recommend when you meet with him on Thursday, you ask him why he is having a hard time in the relationship and what is weighing on him. The foundation of any strong relationship is communication. If you two aren't talking about important things like this together, you might not be right for each other.

From the situation you described, it seems like he was trying to break off the relationship, but only agreed to a "break" to help ease your mind and make it easier for you. On the flipside, if he isn't happy, the best thing for you both may be to step back, end your relationship and focus on building a friendship with each other again. Sometimes when you are in a relationship with someone you lose that bit of yourselves that you fell for in the beginning because you've become so focused on being the best person for each other. 

I know that it hurts and that it is hard, but less than a week isn't a real break. It is my recommendation that you stop messaging him unless he messages you first. When you meet, agree to spend a few weeks apart from each other romantically. After that time, if you decide that you miss each other and want to start seeing each other romantically again, then you can get together again. If you don't, then you don't. Doing things this way will ensure that both of you have the time that you need to work through this.

I hope this helps!

~Cordelia

Trapped and Smothered

Dear Cordelia,

I am 13 years old and I have never given my parents a reason to not trust me. I am home schooled and they got me a phone so I can talk to family members and the neighbors (who are really my only friends). They spy on my phone and read all my messages and ask me about them. If I tell my grandma I am sad, my parents ask me why I am sad and what I have to be sad about. If I tell my neighbor I am "excited for tomorrow" which is when they are supposed to come over to hang out my parents ask me what is so exciting about tomorrow.

They go through my search history online and ask me things like "Why are you researching for help on your homework when we are right here?" They just don't get that I am getting older and I need to have some room to be my own person and do my own thing. Even when I am writing this email to you, I know they will be reading it and asking me about it.

Is it normal for a parent to go through their kid's phone and search history like this? Is it normal for them to interrogate me about every little thing? It would be different if I was talking about something suspicious or unsafe but I am not.

Please help me. I feel like I am going crazy.

~Trapped and Smothered.


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Dear Trapped and Smothered,

Personally, I feel that if you have to spy on your kids to be involved in their life you are doing things wrong. If you spent enough time with your kids focused on making them feel like they could come to you with anything (simply telling them that they can isn’t enough) they would feel the need to hide less. There were so many things that I had gone through when I was younger that I didn’t come forward to my parents about because my mom didn’t make me feel like I could open up, and my dad would just tell my mom if I told him.

Then after my mom demanding to know what I was going through, she started spying on my phone. Let me just point out that that made me even less likely to open up to her, and still to this day I have a hard time with our interactions because I feel like she can be too manipulative when the situation arises.

Teenagers will always have ways of hiding things that are bothering them, or that they want to keep private. But if you have a strong relationship with your kids they will come to you and open up when they need the help, advice, or guidance. Having a strong, trusting relationship is so much better than spying in on a message or two.

I would sit down with your parents and explain to them how you feel, and how it makes you feel when they do this.

They may not realize how much it damages your relationship with them. If they blow you off or refuse to understand just tell them that you aren't being disrespectful, and you aren't hiding anything. You understand that they care about your well-being but there is a difference between protecting you and smothering you. Maybe ask that if they are going to continue to look through your messages they don't constantly ask you about every little thing. It makes you feel like they don't trust you and they are micromanaging every aspect of your life.

You are already home schooled and your interactions with other people are so limited, you need some space to be yourself, even if that means having them still read your messages without making you feel terrible for every single word you say.

Please let us know how your chat with your parents goes!

~Cordelia Cross

Anxiety and Depression

Dear Cordelia,

I have been suffering from severe Anxiety and Panic Attacks since I was pretty young. For years I have been seeing a therapist and a psychologist, but my parents refuse to let me take any actual medication for the two. They believe that modern medicine is a myth and that all the medications are just placebos. How can I convince my parents to let me try to take pills for my anxiety? My psychologist says it's better for me. I just need them to switch me to a psychiatrist. What is the best way to talk to them about this?

~Anxious About My Anxiety

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Dear Anxious About My Anxiety,

Personally, I have suffered through intense anxiety and depression for years. A lot of this came about back when I was younger and I was so worried about talking to my parents. Everyone was so adamant about giving me their opinion about how they understood how I felt and how that was normal. The whole time, the things that they were describing were so far away from what I felt that I convinced myself that there was something wrong with me because I wasn’t experiencing that “normal” they were describing.

But at the same time, how could they have known what I was feeling if I didn’t fight to make them aware. I recommend sitting down with them and explaining what you are going through and what you are feeling. If you are worried or afraid of how they might react, try meeting with a school counselor first and then having them be a mediator for the conversation with your parents.

From experience, I know that it is an extremely daunting conversation to have, but the more you put it off, the more your anxiety will ramp up. If it is too hard of a discussion to have alone, maybe having your psychologist there would help? Ask them to attend a session with you and when the psychologist has you explain what you are feeling, make sure you explain it with as many details as possible so your parents have a better chance to fully understand what you are feeling and experiencing. This might make all the difference.

I hope this helps! Please let us know how it goes!

~Cordelia Cross

Social Butterfly

Dear Cordelia,

Do you think that the teenage years are the most important times for socializing, or do you think that is a waste of time? Is what they say about Teenage years being extremely important for Social Development true?

~Not Sure What to Do

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Dear Not Sure What To Do,

From your Question, I cannot really tell if you are a teenager or a parent. I am sorry.

When it comes to the teenage years, so much happens and so many changes all at once. You go from being this sheltered little kid to being expected to start making important life-altering decisions and branch out of your old comfort zone. Being a teenager is a unique time in your life to reach out and try new things and meet new people while still having the safety net of your parents close by for support. Reaching out and making friends and being social is extremely important and so is finding the balance between social life and a life of responsibility. Your teenage years should be centered around finding yourself and finding that quintessential balance.

From this conversation, I am not sure if you are the child or the parent of a teenager. I am also unsure if you are asking this question because you are unsure of some possible influences in your/your child's life.

If you are the parent, let your teenager stretch out a little and find who they want to be through reaching out to new and different people. But just make sure that they know and understand that you are there to love and support them through this process.

If you are the kid, just remember that you are still young and even though it may not seem like it, your parents aren’t the enemy. Explain to them that you need to reach out and make new friends, but that you won’t let that interfere with your school or other responsibilities.

I hope this helps! Please let us know if you have any other questions by sending us an email to CordeliaCrossblog@gmail.com

~Cordelia Cross.

Not Such a Kid any More

Dear Cordelia,

When I married my wife 8 years ago I also adopted my stepdaughter. I know she isn't mine by blood, but she is still my child and I love her. As a nickname, I call her kid. On her 13th birthday, she asked me, what are you going to call me now? It made me feel a little sad; like she was embarrassed by it. I still call her kid, but maybe she feels like she’s outgrown it, what should I do?

~The Self-Conscious Step-Daddy

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Dear Self-Conscious Step-Daddy,

Before I jump into your answer in a full-blown manner I just want to point out that I love that you care for her so much that she is YOUR kid. What some people tend to forget is that Step-Parents are extra special because they got to choose whether or not they wanted you in their life and they chose to keep you :).

When it comes to talking to her about the nickname, I recommend you just sit down with her and tell her the truth. Explain to her that you don't call her Kid because you think she is A kid, you call her Kid because she is YOUR kid. Once she realizes that is a term of endearment and that you call her that because you love her, not that you are labeling her a child she should definitely have a new perspective on it.

You never outgrow a nickname that your parents give you because it’s something special between the two of you. (No matter how embarrassing it might be as a teenager). Maybe just tell her you won’t call her by that nickname in front of her friends but it’s a special nickname between you two you don’t want to lose. For instance, my mother still calls me Monkey, even in front of my boyfriend that I have been dating for 5 years. My grandparents call me “Koukla” which means dollface in Greek. It's something special you have as a connection with the people who you hold dear to your heart in life.

I hope this helps and please let us know how it goes!

~Cordelia Cross.

Pumped and Ready to Motivate

Hi Cordelia,

I just recently started a new job as a manager at an electronics store. The leader who was in this role before me didn't really spend a lot of time working on employee morale or development. As a new leader, I would like to change that. The corporate team for the company thinks it would be better to just get rid of older employees and start building a new team, but I know with the right guidance the team we have can be great!

What are some ways I can help motivate my employees and make them feel valued?

 Sincerely,

The New Leader in a Not So New Store

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Dear New Leader in a Not So New Store,

Anyone who says that you can’t help motivate employees simply has never had a really good leadership team backing them. There are many things you can do to help motivate employees and while some may seem like small gestures they go miles with your employees:

Help cater goals for your employees that help them develop personally as well as professionally. This is especially important if you work in a place where employees typically work there for only a few years at a time. When you help them with their development goals, make sure you are also taking the time to work on a skill that will help them even after they stop working for you. For instance, if they have a hard time organizing their thoughts, invite them in on a project that involves brainstorming. Have them see how their peers brainstorm and problem solve so they can collaborate and learn from each other. Or maybe one thing they struggle with is communicating professionally. Have them start sending you recap emails at the end of shifts, it will help keep everyone up to date on the business, but teach them to better structure their communications.

1. Take the time to write a 30, 60, 90-day plan with your employees. What is one big attainable change they would like to make in their career? What are a few steps that they can implement over the next three months to make them happen? How can you help guide them through this process? Plan weekly check-ins to follow up on their goal and help them if they are struggling.
2. Have a “round table meeting”. This is a meeting that you would have with your employees to discuss the working environment. What are some things they feel are going really well? What are some areas of opportunity? Leave the meeting with a plan for how you can all improve the situation together.
3. Find ways to plan little employee appreciation events on holidays. For instance, on the Fourth of July, we grill out for our employees that have to work. The last Sunday before Halloween every year we plan a “ghoul night of spooktacular fun” where we have a potluck and vote for the best entree, dessert, and appetizer. The winners get a prize (usually a little goody basket that we make with dollar store goods and decor).
4. Outside of holidays, we like to have events to celebrate great milestones in our business. For example, one-month credit card applications were a huge opportunity for our store. We had been struggling for a while and we wanted to come up with a creative way to motivate employees to promote the card. So, the three employees who got the most people to apply got to pick a manager of their choosing to pie in the face. (I got pied). It was a great way to let loose, get out frustration and have fun with our team.

All in all, it doesn’t take a lot to motivate your employees, there are so many other ways to do so. You just have to put a little effort into showing them that you value them and their work. The more that you invest in them, the more they will invest in your company.

Thank you for being one of the great leaders willing to go the extra mile to help them out and rebuild the team instead of just scrapping them and starting over!

I hope this helps!

~Cordelia Cross

On My Own

Cordelia,

I just recently turned 18 and my parents kicked me out and moved to another state. They didn't even give me the option to move with them and pay them rent. Now they are upset that I refuse to talk to them. They keep calling my sister and telling her how terrible I am for not giving them the time of day. She understands my viewpoint, but I hate that they are putting her in the middle. I now live with my sister as a roommate and pay rent. Am I unreasonable for not wanting to speak to my parents?

~Hurt and Confused.

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 Dear Hurt and Confused,

I am so sorry that you have found yourself in that kind of situation. No one should have to go through that and I understand that it is an extremely painful thing to go through.

If I were you, I would reach out to your parents once and only once. I would explain to them that they chose to sever their ties with you the moment they kicked you out without any guarantee that you would have somewhere to go. What they did was extremely harmful and hurtful. They need to understand that them cutting you out of their lives means that they cut themselves out of yours. Maybe one day you will get to a place where you are able to forgive them and allow them back into your life, but that day is not today, and it is not something they can force. They have to wait until YOU are ready.

They also need to understand that their failed relationship with you is not your sister's responsibility. They need to leave her out of the situation. They made the mess, they need to show that they are willing to fix it. Harassing your sister about how you are unreasonable and unfair isn't going to change your mind and make you forgive them any faster (if at all).

You may choose to rekindle your relationship with them in the future, but right now it is just far too soon for you. If they can’t respect that, that is on them.

After that, your conscience should be clear and you can move forward with your life however you may decide to live it.

I hope this helps, and good luck!

~Cordelia Cross

Unsolicited Advice

Dear Cordelia,

One of my teachers noticed that I had been having a rough time and offered to lend an ear. I took them up on the offer, and ever since then, I feel as though the teacher is getting too close to my personal life. They continue to give their opinion on my family and in a way "parent" me. I feel a bit uncomfortable, what should I do?

~The Anxious Student

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This is a situation that is a bit hard to give advice on without a bit more context.

I would recommend first talking to either a parent or guardian. If you don’t feel comfortable talking to them about it, speak to your guidance counselor. Sometimes talking through the situation with another person can help give perspective on a situation and make you understand a bit more how best to proceed.

After that, I recommend speaking to the teacher. I would explain that you appreciate them taking the time to check in on you, but you wouldn’t like their advice in the future on things that do not relate to your class. Then, if they retaliate in any way or the situation only gets worse, you have proof that you spoke to someone else before talking to the teacher and you can take the next steps with your counselor or parents in your corner.

I hope this helps! Please email me back to let me know how it goes!

~Cordelia Cross